I'm so tired of being here.
Being lost, alone, searching for myself. Misfit. It's what I am. Even with my closest friends, I never felt accepted. I never knew who I was. I was never happy.
Growing up with Darcy, I was so afraid I'd end up like her. Racy, wild. Getting caught up with the wrong crowd. Depressed. I thought if I stayed close to God and avoided all the...bad people, then I'd be okay. And life would be perfect.
I've been that way since I was a child.
And when I met you, my instinct kicked in. I wanted to stay away from you. I knew you would change me, and break down everything I had built up. I felt that big, life-changing things would come if I got involved with you.
But I also felt...a spark. A spark that I knew was something special. And I wanted it to grow, I wanted to make a fire. But I supressed those feelings with all those stupid childish fears.
You saw through that, though.
You saw that it wasn't really me.
And you refused to give up, and I fell in love with you.
I looked into your green eyes, and I saw everything I've been looking for. I saw who I wanted to be. You're so bold, so brave, so sweet, so understanding. So...so....
When I'm with you, Eli, I'm a different person. Every load that's been dumped onto my shoulders for the past ten-plus years is gone when you're with me. I laugh and I smile and every tear I've ever cried is suddenly insignificant. You freed me. You freed me, Eli. And I never brought you anything but trouble.
Do you remember when we first met, Eli?
From day one, you captivated me. It was like there was a light always surrounding you. I knew would follow you to the end of the world. I knew you really cared for me. I knew you'd protect me. I felt safe.
I'm just a ghost of a girl, bound to the life you left behind.
You know, when you were here with me, I dreamed of you every night. Oh, Eli, they were such wonderful dreams. We were graduated, and away from school and drama and Fitz and everything. We were famous for our writing, and even Adam had a special part in our life. It was all I ever wanted. Oh God. They were the most pleasant dreams.
I still dream of you. Only now....I feel sick. It's so haunting. Your face is everywhere I look, and it brings with it all those...painful memories. And whenever I'm alone, I hear your voice. Calling to me from wherever it is you are. Your voice used to keep me in one piece. Now, it's driving away what little sanity I have left.
Don't take this the wrong way, Eli, but I'm trying to forget you.
I can't keep living like this. It's too much; I'm going crazy! You're gone, I know you're gone. I just refuse to believe it. This has to be one of your famous "jokes". That's all. And, yeah, this one's gone a little too far. But I'd forgive you a million times over if it brought you back.
It's so strange, Eli.
Now that I don't have you, you're eternally with me. And looking back, I realize, when you were here, I was alone all along.
It's all my fault, everything that's happened to you. From Morty's ornament to Vegas Night, it was all me.
I'm sorry, Eli.
I'm so sorry.
We've been through Hell and back. It's made us stronger. It's the glue that keeps us together against all odds. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. And how do I repay you?
I ripped your heart out.
I pushed you away.
I didn't understand your need to be close.
I killed you.
I killed you!
And in the process, I killed myself.
These wounds won't seem to heal. Every time I close my eyes, I think of the last time I saw you. I think of your last words to me. I think of your funeral. I think of how this is the worst I've ever felt.
This pain is just too real. I'll never get over it, I'll never be happy again. I'm just an empty shell of what we once were. There's just too much that time cannot erase.
Every time I cried, you wiped away my tears.
Every time I screamed, you fought it all away.
And for so long, I've had your hand to hold onto.
Even as they lowered you into the ground, you had all of me.